I don’t care
No need to know that
– Cheryl Wheeler
A few years ago, my mom mentioned off-handedly that there had been a funny mix-up with my dad’s new anxiety medicine.
I had long suspected that I got my genetic seat at the anxiety spectrum from my dad, but things like “psychologists” and “mental illness” and “mood drugs” were not welcome in my house growing up. There was never anything said, exactly, but it was there in what didn’t get mentioned to the doctor and in what seemed normal because my dad did it too and in the way my parents reacted the one time my high school required I get a psychologist to sign off that I was safe to return to school.
And while I’ve always been of the opinion that drugs are wonderful for the people they work on, I was equally sure that I wasn’t cut out for them – I was “not that bad” and besides my ex didn’t like the idea of drugs and I didn’t want to have that fight. Not that bad. I’m getting by. I’m fine.
Except I wasn’t fine. I have had good times and bad times, but the bad times have been getting worse. I took my Yaya’s passing harder than I expected to, and job hunting is a dehumanizing process that wears me down. I caught myself telling the baby things that were definitely my anxiety talking. I thought about the times growing up when I can see how my dad’s illness impacted me.
And then I asked my doctor what she recommended, therapy or medication, given how therapy had gone for me before. She said both was an option. Tonight I took Prozac for the first time.
I spent an embarrassingly long time staring down the bottle. I know tons of people who have benefitted from it and similar drugs. I have no problem thinking of myself as mentally ill. I’d already admitted I needed outside help. Why was I giving myself a panic attack over it?
Well, the answer is because I’m fucking crazy and if my anxiety were logical, I wouldn’t be crazy. So I thought about wanting to be better for my child’s sake, and then I took the pill.
I’m terrible at self-care. I’m much more successful when I frame it in terms of someone else’s needs. My child needs me to raise her well. My spouse needs to be able to depend on me. Destroying myself hurts them, so I should stop.
Whatever keeps me moving forward, right?
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In the oracle deck, Redbird is associated with knowledge and with small beginnings that turn out to be big outcomes. She’s a raw enough power that she doesn’t have a simple element or portfolio – there’s fire, there’s magic, there’s sex and death and creation. She’s the most like her mother out of the four children, but she has her differences. She and her siblings don’t ride often or for very long.
So far she’s largely instructing me in how to do certain kinds of magic more efficiently. In exchange, she gets to direct the magical effects of my practice work, so it’s basically been split 50/50 between work for me and work for her.
One of the things I’m stressed about is how many obligations I have going on at the moment, though. When she came in and asked for my time, I told her that I could give her a few weeks but I need to focus on finding a job before I can give much attention to anything else. The job hunt is playing havoc with my anxiety, enough that I’m thinking about asking my doctor for medication or a referral.
Adding another long-term esoteric practice sounds exhausting, but I also need to accept the help I’m offered.
“I’ll give you a month,” I told her. “Help me find a job by the end of it and we can talk.” This is a lot like what I said to Juno, several months ago, and that resulted in me getting very close to a job but losing out at the last moment. I’m hoping she comes though; I’ll be happy to give her more time if she can.
Things are going reasonably well with the Dark Lady, as far as I can tell.
But Mara… Mara feels different. I continue to offer to Mara but I’m feeling at a loss. It’s hard to know what’s going on there, and divination has largely turned up ‘it’ll work out’ messages from her, but I’m literally incapable of not worrying. Part of me is worried she’s unhappy about something – that maybe she didn’t like Merciful Earth, or she didn’t like how long it took to produce. That I made some mistake when I got her her own altar, or when I expanded her space, or when I konmari-ed the space. That I’m not making enough room in my budget for charity. That I’m not spending enough focus on her in her season.
It’s almost certainly religious scrupulosity talking, I know that, but knowing it has no effect. Summer is her season. If I’d gotten my shit together last fall and done my six months with the Dark Lady starting with Samhain, I’d be on the correct schedule… but I didn’t, and it’s not like I can go back in time and feel bad when I could have done something about it.
I can try and make enough time for Mara too, and I do, but I just end up worrying whether it’s enough, which is not a problem I’ve had before. Usually my religiously scrupulous tendencies manifest differently. But I know distance is sometimes normal in relationships with powers, and I’m trying not to read more into it than is justified.
It’s a struggle with myself, and ultimately I’m answerable to myself as well as the spirits. I keep going as best I can. I do what I can, I offer what I can, and then I move on.
I can only hppe it’s enough.
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Yes, it went well, aside from one of our friends getting a sprained ankle walking in and having 3x the amount of food we needed I think.
No, there are no honeymoon plans, as I need my vacation for family this year. Perhaps another year.
Yes, I did make my own dress. Note the pocket I added the morning of my wedding day. It was invaluable as it meant I could carry my cell phone and give my parents and grandmother a bit of a personal tour of the site.
No, I am not becoming American at this time. Do you people even know how long that takes? (But I don't want to anyhow, so it's moot.) I got my green card some weeks before the wedding, so this does not affect my immigration status in any way.
Yes, I am still recovering.
3,660 words, Fairytale AU, rated Teen.
In which Will seeks his fortune and is offered work not suited for him, unless he changes to suit the work, of course.
I'm working on the two MKALs every day which takes most of my mornings, trying out Pokemon Go some and playing Final Fantasy Exvius (also FFXIV, but there I mostly do dailies which is accomplished in an hour or two).
Tomorrow I get my second box of ecological veggies and fruit. I made nice things with the first, and it's a good size for me. Not really sure what I'll do with the turnips that will apparently be part of tomorrow's delivery.
( You want some cat pics? )
It's like Magic Mike XXL, in that a big reason I saw it is that internet feminists urged me to do so. Also in that there's enjoyable beefcake for straight women, in the form of Chris Hemsworth (stay through the credits).
Also there's Kate McKinnon.
Please go see Kate McKinnon Sexually Awakens a Generation. I mean Ghostbusters— RJ Edwards (@RJmakes) July 16, 2016
anyway I figured out why we're all extra gay for kate mckinnon in ghostbusters and it's bc she's femme jeff goldblum— craft pop-tarts (@2furiosa) July 3, 2016
will the world ever be the same after Holtzman, will there be any straight women left— Noelle Stevenson (@Gingerhazing) July 17, 2016
I enjoyed this movie so much. My face nearly hurt from smiling as I walked out. It's so fun. I welcome links to interesting reviews and responses!
TO A HOUSE
ON THE NORTH SIDE (like really way far north)
(and ok it's more like a duplex and it's a condo but Nelle's gonna OWN IT so whatever MOVING!)
The sale closes on July 27th (which is SO CLOSE) and then we have to paint and replace the shitty carpet with nice non-carpet flooring and probably do other stuff too BUT
WE ARE MOVING
LIKE IN LATE AUGUST
I'M SO EXCITED :DDDDD
WE'RE NOT GOING TO LIVE IN THIS TERRIBLE APARTMENT ANYMORE
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SPARE BEDROOM FOR YARN THINGS AND GUESTS
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE CENTRAL AIR (which I promise not to abuse)
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DISHWASHER
THERE'S A LOVELY FINISHED BASEMENT
AND A YARD WITH NICE BIG TREES AND A PATIO
THERE ARE TWO LIVING ROOMS which, I don't even know what to DO with that
I JUST. GUYS. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE WITH HAPPINESS OVER HERE. MOVING!!! I've literally never been so happy to move in my entire life.
Other stuff that's happening: I am back in school this summer, (re)taking Basic Algebra and (not re)taking English 2. Which. OK. Let me whine about English 2 for a minute. English 1 is your basic composition how-to-write-a-college-paper class. English 2 is supposed to be an extension of that, like getting more in depth and doing research and gathering your own data, stuff like that. This English 2 that I am taking (and yes, I've whined a lot about this on twitter) is taught by an Ernest Hemingway fanboy. Like, this dude is Into It Hardcore. We are reading two novels (The Sun Also Rises and For Whom The Bell Tolls) and writing papers about them. Basically this guy has turned English 2 into a lit course, and I Am Not Happy About It. I should have got up and walked out the second he said we were reading novels. There's been a week of class already, so if I drop it I won't get my money back, so what's the point, I guess I will read a couple Big Manly American Dude Novels. Ugh.
Math is math. It's fine. It's not hard (yet). That is literally the best I can say about it.
But fall semester should be good! I will be taking Oral Interpretation (the speech requirement), Mathematical Reasoning (which is the next prereq before I can take the math class that actually counts), State and Local Government (for the polisci requirement which should be interesting, it says they talk about courts and lobbying and stuff I don't know much about), French 3 (if I can get my shit together, I've been Duolingo-ing hard this summer), and Orchestra (if I get some sort of job and the schedule works out). I know, it's a lot. But goddamn it I want to fucking finish and transfer already.
(Anyone know of any jobs that won't make me want to murder and have flexible scheduling? Data entry falls under this umbrella mostly because you don't have to talk to people)